Have you ever been at a party and felt like you were the only one not participating? Some days feel like that to me.
A few years ago, I was at a New Years party with a group of close friends. The night was filled with electricity, the kind only felt among people that know each other better than they know themselves. You feel it at the birth of a child or the wake of a good friend. That night I was separate from that energy and I stood apart from my group.
I couldn’t find the excitement for the closing of the year or the beginning of a new one. The kinship was gone; the feeling replaced by a need to move on. A restlessness settled in me and my mind wandered. The people in the room looked foreign and strange, their smiles unfamiliar and uninviting.
The clock struck midnight and I left the room. I walked out of the house and out of their lives. I’ve seen some of them since, but it was never the same after that night. I don’t feel like I know them anymore.
I get that feeling more often than I used to; I’m not part of the party, but a observer instead. This should be unsettling, but it isn’t. I know I should be more involved and social, but the desire to make an effort has disappeared.
I watch as the party goes on around me and I stand apart. I drift among my friends and feel no kinship. It is time to move on.